Purpose – it flies around my head ALL THE TIME. What is my purpose? What am I doing with my life? Am I succeeding? Failing? Where I thought I’d be at 36?
It’s been bouncing around my head – probably because I just had a birthday. I typically reminisce about life around my birthday…makes sense because I was one of those kids that pretty much figured I’d set goals and see them through – book published by 20…25…30…surely 35…ahh…not so much. I did do that screenplay thing…once…and it didn’t go too far – I mean to the agent, but let’s be real – she didn’t read it – really – I have the email to prove it!
I was stressing over an event I’m overseeing this weekend. It’s been a slow process and lots of bumps along the way – it’ll go just fine, but as I was stressing over it today I had a friend text me to let me know that her husband’s stemcell transplant will be next week. I stopped what I was doing, looked up at my co-worker and then pointed at my phone. “This is a reality check,” I said, “While I’m stressing over the amount of ice to buy…my friend is prepping her husband for a stemcell treatment.”
Ecuador’s recovering from an earthquake…and getting a zillion aftershocks. My husband’s dealing with pain on a daily basis due to his back. My son is learning that behavior has consequences…and mom’s remembering that follow-thru stinks – but is necessary.
I thought I’d be writing books full-time by now…It’s the way Tim used to introduce me – “This is my wife, Courtney. She’s in school full-time, but eventually she’ll write books.” The goal got lost along the way. A friend once told me that our desires and dreams don’t disappear…sometimes they are put on pause until the timing is better. Timing is God’s right? My focus shifts all the time. Back to the paralysis analysis and so many ideas…not enough time.
At the end of the day, the one thing I come back to time and time again is that I want to make sure my husband and kids know they are loved and are enjoying life. I may not be doing what I thought I’d be doing at 36, but I’m a work in progress, right? God has me where He wants me – constantly striving to be doing better – becoming more and more like Him. It’s not an easy process nor is it one that I excel at, but it’s one I take on – constantly seeing what I can do better, different, how I can be more impactful, more loving. I fail a lot…I speak when I should be silent. I talk when I should listen. Heck – I cut-off people when I am SURE I know what they’re going to say…obviously, I need to work on being silent…At the same time I’ve been paying more attention to our health, to the amount of THINGS we have in our house and how we can reduce them.
We are blessed beyond measure. I am grateful for that. I pray that during the crazy days, where I am questioning my purpose and reason for being in the random state that I call “life right now,” I remember that we are all dealing with stuff. It’s my purpose right now – living life, being the example for my kids…figuring out what the future holds…I’m a month into life as a 36 year old…and though all of my dreams and goals have not been met yet, I’m willing to set them aside to see how life continues to progress:)
Oh, and lift up a prayer for my sweet friend, her husband, children and grandchildren. They are walking a difficult road and the months ahead are uncertain. Pray for peace, strength and love as they prepare for a stemcell transplant and the recovery process. There can never be enough prayer covering and I appreciate all that you can provide!