Today was rough…it ended on a super high note, but the beginning was tough. If you want a clue as to how rough – I’ve had a glass of wine and am now consuming coffee (not that coffee! I am staying true to my word…but oh was it HARD today!)
I should probably start with yesterday…because that set the tone for today. Friday’s prior to holidays are usually busy for my department. Typically, we are gathering food together (aka shopping our local mega club store) for a company cookout. The day of the cookout is spent organizing and then playing food runner (from grill to meeting room) for several hours. Yesterday, half our department (all of 1) was dealing with product for our upcoming trade show and the other half (me) was dealing with setting up for today’s giant indoor picnic. It would’ve been easy…had I not forgotten that this was also the same day that I was supposed to have snack for my 6 year old’s soccer team.
So I picked up snacks and had the goal of setting up for our night crew’s dinner and then jetting up to the soccer match for the last 5 minutes of the game. I kind-of imagined swooping in at the last minute and all the kids surrounding me cheering…
There would be no cheering…because there was no snack…because I was still on the interstate when my husband called to see how close I was to the field…and I was still a good 20 minutes away.
Cue this morning…I fell asleep last night prior to working out…prior to making sure all the dishes were in the dishwasher. Fabulous. So I got up and then hustled the boys out of bed. They ate, I dressed and then fussed at them to get dressed…and in the car…and my lovely 6 year old, who is very rules focused, was quite content to have a long running argument with his older brother…which caused us to be slightly late. Which wouldn’t have been a big deal…
I was so tired of being late I opted to try an alternate route to the school.
And missed the turn.
Causing us to be 5 minutes later.
And then there were the snow cones…
Why do we do snow cones in elementary school – I mean it’s sugar and ice…sugar and FOOD COLORING and ice…Red Dye 40 anyone??
So we pull up late to the school and the kids are like, “Mom, don’t forget about the snow cones.” Mind you they’ve been talking about them the ENTIRE ride to school…missed turns and all…I have cash so I’m like, “Fear not kids, I have the money – I’m just going to pay the school and you’ll be good.to.go.”
So I get the kids checked in – tardy slips in had they head off to class.
The school administrator is looking at me because she’s about to leave and so I say, “I’ll wait, I just have to pay for snow cones.”
And she says, “We aren’t taking money at the front office for snow cones. We sent home a note. The kids had to bring it with them.”
Longer story slightly shorter…there was no way to break the $20 and I felt like a jerk. Not only did I send my kids to their classrooms thinking they were going to be getting the snow cones, I also had the joy of knowing they’d be told by administrators that they weren’t getting snow cones because mom didn’t have exact change. And I was late to school that day.
I’m not going to lie. I totally called my husband and cried. Over snow cones and tardiness.
My husband offered to go up to the school and make demands on my behalf…which I totally appreciated, but also knew would do no good. I’m not mad at the school. I remember reading the sheet about not sending up $$ for snow cones during the school day…but apparently I didn’t read it clearly…or I forgot what I read. I’m okay with rules. They are there for a reason and I imagine last year they spent a good amount of time running $ to kids who’d forgotten their snow cone money…and I’m sure one of those times it was my husband doing it on my behalf.
I truly cried out of frustration at myself for not being good enough. Not being responsible enough to be organized and together enough to be the mom that can pull everything off.
I’m a working mom and should be able to get it together. It’s not like I didn’t know about the snow cones the night before…Lincoln TOOK NOTES on the types of snow cones he could buy at school.
My kids survived…obviously. This is a first world problem if I ever heard one…and I survived. My day picked up and ended on a high note from a conversation with a person I highly respect.
And then my library emailed me and told me the audio book I requested titled “For the Love” by Jen Hatmaker had been released to me…and I smiled. God was smiling. The full title of the book is: “For the Love, Fight for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards”.
See, I’m going to fail. I’m going to disappoint others and most of all, I’m going to disappoint myself.
I hate the feeling that comes with it, but I also know that it’s a temporary feeling. My kids will get over it and I will too. I will do my best to have exact change next time…
But I will also give myself grace. I am not perfect. I never will be. It’s not the first time I have disappointed my kids and it won’t be the last. I’m not really sure why this is the time I was reduced to tears, but I imagine it won’t be the last time either.
My friends reminded me that while it was frustrating, I wasn’t a bad mom. There were a dozen things I COULD have done that would put me in that category, but truthfully, forgetting snow cone $ was not one of them. And another person reminded me that my kids are not going to remember this – probably ever. It’s not a scarring event. It’s a one-off. They are going to instead remember me playing with them, helping them, and encouraging them.
So for all the moms out there thinking that they are terrible moms because of the things they have done or forgotten to do – know that I’m right there with you…but even more than that know your kids love you. Give yourself the grace you deserve…and if that isn’t working, give me a call. I have a friend who’s husband is a police officer and he will gladly tell you of moms who have done much much worse…and while it’s not pretty…it will make you realize that you are a good mom…even if you don’t feel like it at the moment:)